BEER, FAGS AND WOMEN.

 Ir. Distributed by Classic Home Cinema. E24.99 

Like I was saying to my pal Keef the uvver day as we come out of the Warner Village Cinema  where they was showing, believe it or believe it not, the manager must have had a brain storm, a double bill of Errol Flynn movies (tenth time he'd seen it says Kcef) , WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME KEEF I says THAT YOU HAD A REALLY GOOD LARF AT THEM COMMERCIALS WHAT THEY PUT ON BEFORE THE TRAILERS which I only see from time to time on account of how I never buy my tickets in advance and there's always them dirty long queues what prevent you from getting into the cinema until after the lights go down, making you trip over everybody's feet trying to find yourself somewhere to sit just as the pre-credit sequence finishes, knowhadda mean? 

Not that it was always like that. I used to make a point of arriving in good time to make sure I saw 'em. They was a good larf when you could advertise fags and booze using pictures of sexy birds gagging over good-looking blokes acting like prats. Now of course, it's all these grey gritty unisex kids in trainers pouting at the camera and daring you not to take them seriously. Yawn- yawn, knowhadda mean? Well like I say I'm having this philosophical conver-sation with my pal Keef who fixes me with his blood- shot eye (ten repeated viewings of an Errol Flynn double bill will do that to you) and says, FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT JOHN, IN FACT, he goes on, IT'S SO FUNNY IT'S UNCANNY. BELIEVE IT OR BELIEVE IT NOT, BUT ONLY YESTERDAY FROO MY LETTER Let me not keep you in suspense.

You'd be a nutter not to buy this and now I'll tell you for why. With one glaring exception what I'll come to in doo course, it's eight and half minutes of some of the greatest ads you ever seen in the last ten years including one for Harlequin cigars which I never seen before but is the funniest, most outrageous ad I've ever seen in my life. But let me take you by the hand and guide you froo this comycopya of delights. First off there's the old familiar dada da dadada etc etc of the Pearl and Dean opening and frankly I can never get enough of that. If somebody was to sample it and release it as single they'd make a fortune. Follow- ing this there's the famous Fosters ad that thumbs its nose at conservation which made me laugh cos I hadn't seen it in a few years. Yeah I know I ought to tut tut but surely there's a part of all of us, no matter how much we want to save the planet, that occasionally wants to say SODDIT and open another can of lager, knowhadda mean? 

Next up comes the Levi commercial that shows the kid entering the laundrette and taking off his pants to shove em in the washer. Alright so it's not that funny but as someone who has always felt an overwhelming desire to take their clothes off in public, its somehow very comforting even though I'm still on probation from the last time I tried it. Now we come to that Hamlet commercial. Like I say I've never seen this before and I suspect it may have been pulled from the cinemas when the full implications of what is on screen dawned on the censors. In a magazine like this I can't go into de- tails but it involves a husband re- turning home to surprise his wife and finding her in the dark bedroom, He has bought a luminous condom as a surprise which he puts on only to find when the wardrobe door opens that he is not the only luminous condom present. I won't say how many step out but one of them appears to be a horse. I kid you not. The follow up to this is for Gossa- mer Wonderbras and I can tell you straight orf that this is the kind of subtle, understated ad that really appeals to us lads. All it is is a gorgeous bird twirling around in front of the camera wearing a series of very tasteful bras and panties. No hard sell, nothing salacious, just a sexy tart in her underwear, knowhadda mean? It's a hard act to follow and this reel don't try 'cos after the Wonderbra comes that Smimoff Vodka one on board the ship with fings lookng different when seen froo the vodka bottle. Only the one bird featured in this and she is no beauty. Matter of fact I think I prefer her with the octopus on her head. It's very arty however and weird and the colour's fab too, (not that that really matters to me being much too hutch and packed with testosterone to worry about interior decoration) but it makes little attempt to raise laughter, which is more than can be said for the sixth offering on the reel. I have seldom seen a more witless, pointless or tasteless commercial in my born natural. One of the reasons MY Pat Keef asked me to revoo this reel was because he just could not cope with senseless prejudice of this item what rendered him speechless wif rage. It's supposed to be a secret message delivered to the women In the cinema audience after their bov- friend has been asked to step outside to the bog. As soon as they are alone the bird acting as compere zooms down a fireman's pole (no double entendre intended) and enters an of- fice set where surrounded bv other birds of equally suspect sexuality. they give advice how to cope with such male irrations as buildcrs'bum and the like. They even stoop so low in their attack on us lads as to have one of them crush a pair a walnuts in her hand. What this is symbolical of, apart from the fact that she's probably a sexual deviant, I would rather not contemplate. Those male film collec- tors of taste and discretion will probably want to edit this out of the reel and thus avoid offending the more susceptible of their pals and brothers. Incidentally the commercial is supposed  to be selling make-up but I can't imagme it appeal I ng to anyone except mad, ugly, men-hating hags and no amount of make-up's gonna help them, knowhadda mean? The penultimate com-mercial I am glad to say is back on-line and much more acceptable being another Levi jeans commercial showing this super cool dude gaining admittance to an exclusive night club and taking pitv on this girl in the queue by allowing her to accompany him inside. I tell you, the look of adoration in her eyes as she follows a respectful few steps behind our hero, lips parted and with just the hint of drool on her chin, is nothing short of inspirational. And so to the final ad and another good larf sponsored by Holstein Export, It shows film of a bloke and this old biddy on the couch talking about animals. The joke is that the editors of the commercial are supposed to be so worried about showing pictures of a glass of Holstein Export that they cut out every frame containing shots of the glass. This of course affects the SUPER EIGHT FILM REVIEW (7) sound track and gives the impression that the blokc is saving he can't wait to give the old biddy one and of her cackling that if he does he'll have to remember to use the flea powder and the lice comb. It's hilarious and a lesson to them crap makers of the aforesaid make-up commercial on ho\\ to he funny without causing offencc. The reel closes with the Pe so N\orrlcd about showing pictures of a glass of Holstein Export that tile\, Cut Out ever\ frarne containing shots of the glass. This Of Course affects the sound track and gives the impression that tile blokc is saying lie can't wait to give the Old bIddv one and of her cacki ing that 1 f ]i,- doeslic'11 have to remember to use t11C flea powder and the licc comb. lt'~ llIlarIOLIs and a lesson to thein cral makers of the aforesaid makC-Up CO111- niercial oil ho\\ to be funnv x%itilotit causing offence Tile reel closes \wl, the Pearl and Dean ending and tlii,,. like all tile ads is bcautifuliv sharp \~ itli vividcolours You'll have gatlicred by now that I like this reel a \\holc lot and if I liaveii'tcoii~'liiccd\'OLltobti\,It,tOLlglI I'm a busy mail. I got more important fings to do (like taking a second or fird butchers at that Wonderbra coinnier- cial, and then I really got to let tile \~, Ife out ofthe kitchen, knoN\hadda nican") Print A-A/B. Sound. A. J.K~

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This title was released by Powell Films as well. 
I bought mine from them and it came in a Powell box. 
With very good print & sound.

This page was last updated 02 Dec 2002

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